Ministering to the Sick and the Dying

Amy Sumner, LCSW

 

God’s grace is ever-present and if we are faithful to pray for God’s help, He will help us minister to those in need.  Don’t be hesitant to use “arrow prayers.” 

 

People who are sick often do not have the energy to think through what others can do for them.  If you’d like to offer your help, offer one or two specific suggestions for things you’d like to do for him or her such as:

 

 

If you have the ability to do so, try to commit to a schedule of assisting.  For example, “every Tuesday at 10am I’ll come over and do your laundry.”  Check in with a family member the night before to be sure they do not have a doctor’s appointment or some other conflict for the next morning. 

 

Never be afraid to tell your friend “I don’t really know what to say and am even afraid of saying something wrong.  But I want you to know I am here for you, in whatever way you need me.”

 

Perhaps THE most important thing is to be a patient, quiet listener.  This is not the time to interject with your own stories or to try to talk the person into feeling better.  Don’t be afraid of silence!  Sometimes you learn the most when you can sit with a friend in total silence in the midst of a conversation.  People who are sick often are so tired that they take longer to gather their thoughts.  Give them time to do this.  DON’T fill in the silence, or the blanks—don’t put words into her mouth if she appears to be searching for words.  Give her the gift of time to find the exact word SHE wants.  This is often very hard and takes practice…  But if you are patient and quiet your friend may feel free to talk about what is on her heart. 

 

If your friend seems to be depressed please do not tell her to “think about all the blessings/positive things/happy times in your life.”  This will effectively shut down the conversation in most cases.  You have just told your friend that you don’t want to talk or are not comfortable with talking about the tough times and have, in effect, dismissed your friend’s feelings.  Acknowledge her pain and commit to praying for her to find comfort in her relationship with God. 

 

Try to avoid saying things like “I know/understand how you feel.”  Unless you have faced the same illness you really don’t know what it is like.  Instead, say something like “That must be difficult for you.”  “How can I best pray for you?”  “Is there something specific I can pray for?”  “Is there anything you are concerned about that I could help with?”  Also try to refrain from giving advice.  Instead, ask your friend what she has done about a need, a concern, a situation, or what she thinks might help.  Often people have an idea how to handle a situation but simply need a safe place to talk about it, someone to bounce their thoughts off.

 

Please be careful not to focus only on healing.  Sometimes God does not heal, even His own.  Pray for God to heal according to His will, but also for grace to withstand the trial, for comfort which only Christ can give.  Pray with your friend, as appropriate, not just for him or her.

 

If your friend is dying and you have the privilege of visiting during this very sacred, difficult time, listen with your heart.  Often people who are dying speak in symbolic language.  If your friend says things which seem confused or non-sensical and you are trying to understand him or her literally you may miss a very special gift.  Do not try to correct or re-orient someone who is dying.  Let them know you have heard what was said and even gently ask for more information about what she is seeing or thinking.  She may share a glimpse of that transition to the presence of God – something you will never forget. 

 

Most importantly, don’t feel you have to be an “expert.”  Just be a good listener… a good friend… a sister in Christ.