FORGET NONE OF HIS BENEFITS, volume 8, number 4, January 22, 2009
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, Ephesians 6:4.
Rearing Godly Children
In a speech on Father’s Day, 2008 at the predominantly black Trinity United Church of Christ on Chicago’s South Side, President Barack Obama said that too many black fathers are MIA, abandoning their responsibilities to their children, acting like boys instead of men, failing to recognize that responsibility for one’s children does not stop at conception. He said that more than half of all black children in America live in single parent homes. This problem is not restricted to the African American community however. Between 1960 and 1990 the number of children living in single parent homes tripled. Only 27% of American children live with both their biological father and mother. Over 1 million babies are born each year to unwed fathers, and these children are significantly more likely to end up as high school dropouts, in poverty, drugs, and gangs. And the increase of two parent income families means that parents now spend 40% less time with their children than a generation ago.
I realize that some of you, through no fault of your own, are single parents and long for a spouse to help you with your children and you grieve over your situation. But we all ought to grieve over this mammoth problem of absentee fathers in America. And lest you think this refers only to those who are geographically absent, I am also referring to dads geographically present but emotionally and spiritually absent from the lives of their children.
Men, you are the key to your children’s physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual wholeness. I am in no way diminishing the responsibility of the mother, especially in the early years of your children’s lives, and even later moms are to serve in a subordinate role, carrying out much of the day to day parenting responsibilities; but men, you nonetheless are responsible before God for the full orbed welfare of your children. If you are not married or do not yet have children, and you are not sure you are up for the task, then by all means don’t have them. This is serious business and you are accountable to God for the children God lends you for His glory. However, if you already have children, then you need to own up now to your responsibilities. Your job does not stop at conception or the end of the work day. Your job is not merely to make money and then dole it out to your wife and children. You are accountable to God for their development. They are to love, honor, and fear God all their days, that they may grow into mature servants of Christ. In short, the goal of your parental instruction, to borrow from the Apostle Paul’s words to Timothy, is love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith.
How do you get there? First, you must resist the natural temptation toward abdication. All men are prone to neglect the full orbed welfare of their children. The Biblical data is replete with the call tenderly to bring your children up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. See Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, Proverbs 3-7, Deuteronomy 6:4ff. The Bible promotes a wonderful balance in this regard. You are to be tender, gentle, gracious to your children; never cruel, negative, manipulative, domineering. On the other hand, you are not to be as Eli with his sons, Hophni and Phineas, for when he heard of their godless living he weakly said, "My sons this report is not good," I Samuel 2:22ff. It appears that Eli refused to discipline his children, to hold them accountable for their actions, and this with disastrous consequences. Plain and simple fathers, you are responsible for your children’s character development.
But second, after you are clear on your God given responsibility of fatherhood, you are to remember three components of godly fathering- developing their hearts, granting them formal instruction, and seizing moments for informal instruction. Developing their hearts can only come if you are developing your own heart. If your idol is money or your children, then you will neglect them or manipulate them for your own advantage. If your idol is their education then you may challenge them academically and intellectually but neglect their spiritual welfare. A heart for God in your life will give your children pliable hearts in which the Holy Spirit can do a mighty work of regeneration and sanctification. As you cultivate a deep, abiding, growing love for the Lord Jesus in your heart, then this will make its way into your children’s hearts.
And second is the formal instruction. This is where the vast majority of fathers fail. I certainly could have done a better job with my children when they were young. I am speaking of formal, daily times of family worship where you read the Scriptures, teach them biblical doctrine, pray with and for them, and address practical issues of growing in grace. Obviously the fast pace of life and the commands on our time make this exceedingly difficult to do, but there is no substitute for it. The length of time and the content of these daily or nightly family worship times will vary according to the ages of your children, but this ought to be a non-negotiable. Our church has developed a "tool box" to help fathers with this but the most practical and helpful tool I have found is my friend Terry Johnson’s book, Leading in Family Worship (Focus Publications), in which Terry lays out day to day family worship, using the Scriptures and the Shorter Catechism of the Westminster Confession of Faith. If your children are in a public school where there is the prohibition of biblical teaching, do you really think an hour of Sunday School will overcome the godless teaching they receive from government schools? And even if your children are in Christian schools or you home school them, they still need the authority of their father leading them in the eternal verities. Are you regularly leading your family in worship?
And third is informal instruction. Deuteronomy 6 says that fathers are to teach their children as they walk along the way. Look for teaching times which come from the details of life. I remember taking my young sons to an Atlanta Braves baseball game one evening and as we exited the Interstate, we came upon an automobile accident and a sheet was over the body of one who had just died in the accident. They wanted to know what that meant and I had the opportunity to impress upon them eternity and the need we have always to be ready to meet God. They never forgot that episode. And may I also suggest you limit television and encourage reading. What a diminishing habit reading has become and much to our societal detriment. Fathers, you can do this and you must.
FORGET NONE OF HIS BENEFITS is a weekly devotional by Reverend Al Baker, pastor of Christ Community Presbyterian Church in West Hartford, Connecticut.
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